The Great Slash Dragon has Spoken
by Fuzzy Wolf
Summary: "You want me to do WHAT with Arthur?" In which Merlin is confused, Arthur is oblivious, the Dragon is amused, and destiny really is a-you-know-what. T for language and implications. Suggested Merthur Slash


A/N: Heeeeeey there everyone! ;) I'm back once again, and this time writing for a different fandom! (A shocker, I know XD) But really, I found out about Merlin a mere few months ago, and it is simultaneously hilariously funny, and head smackingly dramatic. And, of course what with me being an avid slash fan, I couldn't help but find interest in Methur. And then I found out what the fandom's nick named the Dragon, and I was utterly _sold_. Needless to say, I snatched that up and ran with it. I'm sure this has been done before, somewhere, somehow, but I couldn't resist the temptation of doing it myself. But enough explanations, I hope you enjoy the story.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own 'Merlin'.

Oh, just one more thing, as my beta seems to have quit on me quit suddenly, you will unfortunately have to put up with my own meager editing skills. Sorry guys.

**THE GREAT SLASH DRAGON HAS SPOKEN!**

"_Merlin"_

In the ever so quaint, but sometimes -okay a lot of the time- deadly Camelot the citizens slept, not so sure of their safety but really they had to sleep sometime, if they stayed up all night worrying about the attack on Camelot that would occur tomorrow (and it would, just you wait) why, nothing would ever get done! But I digress. The people of Camelot slept soundly in their beds all snuggled up and warm, even it would seem, Camelot's secret protector, the as-of-yet undiscovered warlock; Merlin. That however, was about to change. No, no! Not the 'undiscovered' part the other bit, the part where he's asleep. No, we will leave the unveiling of his not-so-secret-secret for a different and much more melodramatic story.

As I was saying, curled tightly in his meager bed cloth Merlin slept, but as it has been said, not for long. Someone is calling to Merlin to inquire about a very important matter indeed.

"_Merlin."_

Merlin rolled over in his little bed, pressing his face tightly against a thin pillow and snored all mightily. So loud in fact it almost drowned out the snoring of Gaius in the next room. But just like The Eyebrow, Gaius is not to be out done, and as though sensing the unconscious challenge Merlin had issued, the Physician opened his mouth wide and emitted a snore so loud, and so grand it shook the castle walls. However, this is not a story about Gaius's admittedly formidable snoring skills, so once again I digress.

"_Merlin!"_

Once again the great unknown hero of Camelot snored and tossed in his bed, blissfully unaware of the headache awaiting him very, very soon.

"_Oh this is ridicules! MERLIN! WAKE UP!"_ It seemed as though the old disembodied voice of Kilgharrah The Great Dragon had finally had enough of being ignored. As well it should, he had been calling to Merlin for over half an hour. He really needed a better way of contacting the heavy sleeping warlock.….

Merlin jerked from his sleepy stupor and –as was his luck- immediately smacked his head into the (very hard) wall of the castle. How this was archived will never be known, but it is after all Merlin. Such things are expected and inevitable. Shaking off the blown with the ease of one whom had, had far too many bumps on the noggin to care much anymore, Merlin got up from his bed, stood in the middle of the room and bellowed in a voice loud enough to raise the dead (but not Gaius),

"WHO'S THERE!"

"_It is ME you great fool!"_ The Dragon's voice cried exasperatedly in his head, _"Who ELSE would be calling you in this manner? Come now young Warlock. We have much to discuss."_

Merlin sighed and, resigning himself to another night of secret Dragon visits and no sleep, walked to his door, promptly tripped down the small flight of stairs that lead to his room that he kept forgetting was there, fell on Gaius (who snored), got up and knocked into a table toppling over some possibly very important vials of dubious content, stumbled to the door, and managed to send the sweeping broom crashing to the ground on his way out.

Satisfied with the amount of destruction he had left in his wake (for now at least) Merlin continued on his way. Knocking over 12 ridiculously ornate and uselessly decorative suits of armor, fell down 2 more sets of stairs, smashed 5 precious and irreplaceable things of wealth, broke a torch mount right off the wall, and managed to quit severely spook a poor servant girl.

Finally reaching his destination Merlin quickly walked past the guards in the near by storage room- still apparently looking for their run off dice even after all this time. (Merlin had to give them credit, they were apparently quit persistent and dedicated dice players.)

Grabbing a lit torch off a near by mount (and miraculously NOT breaking it) Merlin crept down the increasingly creepy path way, glancing back every so often to ensure that he was not being followed. (Yeah, like that would actually happen.)

Bursting forth into the giant cavern that The Great Dragon called home (for now) Merlin shot him a look that he hoped conveyed all the irritation of a thousand pissed off sleepless nights.

"What do you want?" He called up.

The large golden dragon perched himself on the massive protruding rock he always sat at and gave him the same look he always gave him; as though he should already know all the answers to whatever questions he may or may not have. And in this case, he really, really should.

"I have called you here young warlock" Kilgharrah rumbled, "to discuss your destiny."

Merlin sighed all suffering and bowed his head muttering in a mixture of sleepiness and exasperation, "Of course. What ELSE would it be?"

Kilgharrah choose to ignore this and continued with, "I wish to know how it is coming along."

"Right." Merlin sighed, "Okay well, the dollop head -I mean Arthur! - is still alive if that's what your wondering. I mean, it was a close thing there for a minute what with the clotpole being unable to properly take care of himself- and that's strange don't you think? I mean he's a prince! You'd think he'd bloody well know how to NOT get himself killed. But anyway Arthur's still alive (thanks to me). Uther's still alive too which sort of puts a damper on everything but-"

"Merlin!" The Dragon cut across him with a roll of his eyes. "Cease your incessant prattle, I already know everything you have told me."

Merlin frowned in confusion. "Then what did you call me down here for?"

"I wish to know how the _other_ part of your destiny is coming along." The Dragon answered with the tone of someone patiently talking to a mentally afflicted two year old.

"Erm…." Merlin answered blinking up at him with bewilderment shining in his eyes. "The…. Other part?"

"_Yes_ Merlin, the _other_ part." Kilgharrah answered. "Do tell me you've been working on it."

"Aaaaaah noooo….." Merlin answered slowly, "I can't say that I have. I mean, I didn't know that is, that there was something else to this destiny business than making sure Prince Prat-a-lot actually survives long enough to become King."

"WHAT!" He growled loudly in surprise, making Merlin wince as it caused dust to rain down from the upper leaves of the cave. "YOU MEAN TO SAY I NEVER TOLD YOU!"

"Err no!" Merlin called crouching in a very slight and extremely manly cower. Honestly though this was terrifying. He didn't think Kilgharrah even knew there was such thing as forgetful.

Kilgharrah snorted and then seemed to calm, his lips separating in an amused smirk to show off just how many teeth he had. "It seems I have grown forgetful during my imprisonment." And wasn't that a frightening admission. "It seems that I will just have to inform you on the whole of your destiny now, for it is important that this event come to pass soon. The fate of-"

"Albion and Camelot and Arthur and everything in the universe depends on it." Merlin finished mockingly. "Yeah, I kinda got that. So just tell me what it is so we can get this over with."

"It is a relatively simple task." The Dragon assured. "You must bed the young Pendragon."

"Excuse me?" Merlin perked up blinking rapidly up at him. "I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you quit right, what did you say?"

"You must lie with Arthur," He repeated himself.

"As in….?"

It was Kilgharrah's turn to sigh all suffering as he answered with far less patients than the other two times, "You, Merlin must have sex with The Once and Future King, Arthur Pendragon."

"…. WHAT!" Merlin exploded. "You want me to do WHAT with Arthur! No! No chance in hell! I already save his arse on a daily basis; I am NOT putting up with this too! Do you know how _whiney_ he would be! He'd constantly be complaining that I'm doing it wrong! "Oh_ no_ Merlin! You've got it all wrong! This is how you should suck my monstrously large prick! Now get on with it and be sure to do it properly this time!" It'd be an absolute nightmare! No, no way, no way, no way, no way-"

"SILENCE!" The Great Dragon roared. "YOU CAN AND YOU _WILL_ FOR IT IS YOUR DESTINY!"

Merlin jerked awake in his tiny bed, tucked away in the very back of the Court Physician's chambers, and looked franticly around, sweat glistening on his face and a look of panic over taking his features.

Upon finding himself safely within the confines of his room and _not_ several hundred feet below the castle with a barmy dragon trying to convince him to do the deed with Arthur, Merlin collapsed back on his bed, hitting his head on the way down, but it's not like that really mattered anyway.

He REALLY needed to stop eating his own cooking right before bed. He really had no talent for it.

**END**

A/N: So, I had originally intended to start this off more seriously, and then slowly get more cracky as it progressed. As you can see, it turned out just the opposite, but I can't say I'm disappointed with how it ended up. Haha~ But really, in all seriousness guys this show is like the greatest thing I've ever seen XD. It's just plain awesome and I love it to bits. Well, that's all for now folks, I hope you enjoyed.

This is Fuzzy signing out,

-Fuzzy


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